"Either you think — or else others have to think for you and take power from you

One of the first films ever made, in Edison's Black Maria studio, and hand tinted. I love it.

Christmas...the time for updating?

Erik and I broke up a long time ago. Basically when he got home from Alaska, and wanted me to face the realization that he was going to Portland, for good. And for pretty sensible reasons, he didn't want to start that phase of his life in a complicated relationship with me. Besides, a long-distance relationship probably would have driven us crazy to the point of breaking it off irrevocably. But ending it then, he was attempting to preserve us some dignity, and maybe a chance for the future. At least this way we could be friends.

I was still heart-broken. And very alone for quite awhile.

Then I made friends with Mike. We have a bizarre relationship. No, we're not dating. Yes, we keep each other from feeling too lonely. He's a good person, but he's pretty jealous about me visiting Erik.

I'm going to Portland. I'm over Erik in the emotional-wreak sort of way. I still love him. We'll probably be affectionate. But I think we've reached a good point. I mean he knows about Mike, and he told me recently that for awhile he was actually in a relationship with someone in Portland, though that failed. And it doesn't seem to bother me a bit knowing that he's dating.

The only thing that still gets to me emotionally is thinking about the perspective he might hold on our relationship. We had a little mix-up a few days ago, where I thought something he said meant that our relationship wasn't distinctive to him at all among all the failures before me.
And silly me, sitting here thinking that *we* had been something pivitol in his life. Something to be thankful for, and definitely proud of. Well he told me that he did think of our relationship as different. But right now I'm still uneasy about something. I think he's ashamed. And I don't really know what of.

It doesn't help that he updated his journal last night. he completely left out the visit I made to his house, he left out any mention of me at all. He went as far as listing people in his life that had meant a lot to him. Pretty basic, various friends, all people to be expected. What I didn't expect was that he would mention some of them without mentioning me.

I guess I am just an ex-girlfriend.

***

The no 'poo thing is going okay, I use diluted shampoo every couple of days, and as I go through this bottle of organic shampoo, I dilute it more and more. I think my hair is healthier, but it's hard to tell since my hair has always been pretty healthy. The problem is that I don't think my hair is getting less oily as time goes on. I mean it's been four days since I last used shampoo on it, and it's pretty disgusting. Thank goodness for scarves and hats.

I think I'm changing majors. From Zoology, which is insanely difficult with labs and chemistry, bleh, to doubling in Literature and Philosophy which lets me read (and thus collect books) and write, yay!

Also, I don't think I'm going to come home anymore, if I can help it. It's just not worth it, because it's definitely not *home*.

Okay so maybe my hair is just not cut out for this, or maybe I'm having a really hardcore detox period. Absolutely nothing is working to get the grease out of my hair. I don't have anything near the results the rest of these people talk about. Egg yoke today did nothing. Apple sauce before did nothing. Baking soda washes and apple cider vinegar rinses are fucking sworn by, but so far the baking soda hasn't made one bit of a positive difference on my hair. And since my hair is so greasy, I don't see the need for the rinse. I did use a little yesterday just to see if the combination of BS and vinegar is the key. But nope. Nothing, no change. Oil-slick. So now I'm just going to do water only, and when it gets really nasty (or when I'd like to look more presentable) I'll wash my hair with dilute shampoo. If it makes any environmental/health difference, I do have organic shampoo. And eventually I'll need the shampoo less and less frequently, until I don't need it at all and I can be water-only. But bleh my hair is disgusting right now. And I'm pretty disappointed that it's not responding at all to any of the natural treatment.

So I'm going No 'Poo, which I think sounds stupid. But that's what all the other hippie/vegan/environmentalists like to call not washing their hair. I've given up commercial shampoo and conditioner in favor of a more natural approach to haircare. No I'm not dirty and smelly, although I am pretty greasy. I still shower everyday, taking care to wash my body as normal. But when it comes to my hair I just scrub it with my fingertips in the water.

The first few days were interesting. My hair stayed soft and had a lot of volume, but the roots were getting progressively greasier. On the fourth day I was feeling really self conscious. I've been reading up on no 'poo a lot, and there are a lot of alternatives people use to wash and condition their hair. The most popular is baking soda and apple cider vinegar. I don't have any ACV, but I have plenty of BS. So I used some of that (two tablespoons for two cups of water...I have moderately long hair). I put it mostly on my scalp and massaged it in, and some of it ran down through the rest of my hair. Then I rinsed it out, thoroughly, I thought. It felt great when it dried...at first. As the day wore on I noticed that it hadn't really gotten all the grease off my roots and that it had really dried my ends out. I have a boar bristle brush, and have been using that to distribute the oils, and now it was pulling greyish oily gunk from my hair. The next day my hair was just as oily as it had been before the baking soda wash, except now my ends were really really dry.

I also soaked my ends in a tea after I did the BS. It was just rosemary, sage, cloves, and parsley steeped in 2 cups hot water. I don't really know if that affected my hair much. It made it smell nice!

I freaked a little bit and decided I'd rather be greasy than dried out. So I found some avocado, banana, real mayonaise, and a little bit of lemon juice to mix together and glop on my hair. I put it on my dry hair and left it on for about 20 minutes. Then I rinsed it out, and things seemed worse. I still had what felt like stiff, straw-like hair, but now it was slicked with shiny oils. And smelled like banana and mayonaise...ew. I left it that way for a day, rinsing again with water just to see. No difference.

I read that some people use applesauce to get rid of grease. I don't have applesauce, so I used two small apples and two cups of water to make my own. The result was pretty diluted, but I figured it would be fine to soak my hair in. So I plugged the sink and poured the apple-slosh in. I soaked my hair for awhile, using a cup to pour it all over my roots, and occasionally massing the apple into my hair. I also massaged my roots. Then I rinsed it out with water in a shower. It did lift a little of the grease, but my hair's still really awful. It looks like it's wet. I also feel like the ends of my hair are too dry. And adding oils (a common suggestion) obviously wouldn't help because it's already covered in oil. But straw covered in oil just makes for greased up straw.

So that's where I am today. In no way am I giving up, even if I feel really self conscious. I'm still hopeful that I'll straighten this out before going back to school. For tomorrow I have two options. I can try the baking soda, but use a more effective method of applying it to my hair and then rinsing it with white vinegar (since I don't have ACV). I could also do the tea again for good smell since the vinegar might be gross. The other option I have it egg yoke. Apparently people use it infrequently when they want to get really clean, and I hear the results are great. But if you use it too often the protein makes your ahir really hard. I'm nervous about doing baking soda again, since I seemed to have messed it up so bad last time. But I'm nervous about the egg because I don't know how much more crazy experimenting my hair can take.

I'd also like to figure out a nice baking soda alternative because I'm going to start coloring my hair with henna, and I don't want the BS to lighten it. But I can't do just water right now, my hair is way too prone to greasiness. Wish me luck!

Um...

I want one.

I've been wondering about Sarah Palin, and McCain's motives for choosing her as his running mate. I wanted to do some research and came across this blog: http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/994912/is_john_mccains_choice_of_sarah_palin.html?cat=9

It's interesting, she points out how insulting it would be if McCain chose Palin simply in an attempt to sway voters from the democratic side after Obama neglected to ask Hilary to be his running mate. It scares me that there may actually be people out there who would vote based on gender alone. It scares me that McCain may be manipulating this and he could end up our president.

I've also just been thinking how funny it is when republicans are referred to as 'mavericks' because it usually means that they're just a little bit moderate, just a teensy bit, but that's enough to appall and disgrace republicans...but still not enough for me to agree with them.

Camp is reworking it's schedule so that we can account for campers at all times. One solution to this was to create more structured activity periods that campers have to sign up for in advance, and that they have to attend 3 days per week- KIVA's. I liked the idea of having more educational activities, but I don't like the fact that it's just a way to strap the campers down for fear of losing anyone...something that I didn't even realize was a problem. But whenever they create changes like this, we deal. I've been thinking a lot about things that I'd like to see being done around camp, like recycling. Having a legitimate recycling program would be more on the management side, but I would also want to get the kids involved. I think the easiest/most fun way to do this would be to do 'recycling crafts.' I've been working on some things already, so that I can propose my KIVA more effectively. Erik's popcan earrings are already really popular, plus making notebooks out of one-sided paper and cardboard that the kids can decorate (much like the ever-popular clipboards, but free!), and actually making paper. This would be a more difficult activity, but the end product would be more exciting I think. I ordered sunflower seeds today, and I'm thinking that we could use the bottoms of plastic bottles to plant them in, and the kids could even paint the bottles. The hardest thing in my mind is that it ay be difficult getting camp administration to cooperate. Would camp really pay for sunflower seeds and earring hooks and even a blender for aking the paper pulp? More nerve-raking, will I get any support for implementing a real recycling program all throughout camp? I hope so!

I saw this on Erik's Blog (erik.unverdruss.net) and thought I'd give it a try. I'd like to write more often, and I'm always saying I'd like to write about better things. Maybe this will help, it's an add-on for Firefox that lets me press F8 and start writing a post, I can also do pretty much all the same things as if I were posting directly from the site, then I hit 'publish' and it should be up on my Livejournal. Here goes!

...I'd consider helping penguins fly.

VH1 plays new music videos early in the morning. Some of the songs are so new I'm hearing them for the first time, then again I don't listen to the radio anymore. And 95% of the music is absolutely great. I listen to it when I'm winding down after a late night and trying to get sleepy.

Library cards are free. My library is within 10 minutes walking distance. I borrow movies 3 times a week.

The cartoon Home Movies is on adult swim every night, as well as on DVD. I ordered the first season on Amazon.

I can do little exercises for an hour or so while I absent mindedly watch tv.

Allrecipes.com : I take what's in my fridge and get an easy idea for a meal. I can even look up a few recipes before going to the grocery store, and then I have an exact shopping list. The grocery store is also within walking distance.

Sun dresses, I don't have to attempt matching tops and bottoms to look decent, a dress does it for me. And they're really comfortable.

Greyhound, I can go anywhere easy and cheap. And have an excuse to read a book for 10 hours.

Boursin cheese, green grapes, and shrimp with cocktail sauce. They're all in my fridge at all times, because my mom and I have the same midnight snack urges.

Incense, earrings, scarves, absurd dress shoes, and books. I'm starting to realize that I collect these things.

Cleaning, planning, making lists. They're more of obsessive urges, but they still make me happy.

I was thinking today about all the things that I have ever resolved to do. So many of them slip through and are forgotten, and even more than that resurface constantly and I have to re-devote myself to them. But what does this say about me? That I have no ability to keep promises to myself or to change myself for the better? It feels that way. It's discouraging. Too frequently I don't like myself. I know exactly how I would like to act, feel, and think, and keeping up with those goals are easy...except when I lose control of myself and my emotions. Which is often. I have this constant underlying desire to hit rewind. Do it again, the way I actually wanted to. Be happier, permanently.

I haven't read much about it, but moments after I signed the petition to stop this "artist" from starving dogs, I realized that maybe the sacrifice of one dog has opened that many more people's eyes to the stray animal problem. It's sick to me, because I already care and do what I can. But not everyone cares. And maybe when they realize that they should be just as angry about a dog starving in the street as in some stupid "art" exhibit, they'll do more.

Puppy mills suck too.

Adopt pets, and get them fixed.

I just got back from spring break. I have homework already that I should be doing. I'm not, obviously.

I want to keep this one short, but I felt an urge to say how funny it is that I spent the last half of break in my house, never leaving. To the point of avoiding calls to see friends.I don't want to go out, I just wanted to relax, and I can't at school. There's academic pressure, and then there's social 'pressure' because you shouldn't spend your free time vegging out when all your friends are together just a moment's walk away. At home it's easier to avoid them because, well for example over break: I haven't showered, I'd need a ride, and my mom is asking me if I wouldn't mind babysitting.

Erik came to my house, met my whole damn family on the first day. Probably got the worst impression. But I suppose why not throw it all on him at once, he can handle it. I think he liked them for the most part, he seemed comfortable at my house. Although, if for any reason I wasn't comfortable at his house it's because I'm just that antisocial. What could I possibly chat with his mom about?? It just doesn't come as easy to me as it does to him.

 I saw all three of my 'home' exes. It was fine seeing Derek, we're so far gone that it's easiest just to be friends. Adam is hard to see sometimes. I don't know what his feelings are anymore, but I'm hoping they're not leaning toward me. Also it just annoys me the way Rhea likes to behave with him, but it does no actual harm to me, so oh well. He's also just such a mess that I worry most of the time I'm with him. 'Does he have a job? Will doing 'x' cause him to lose his job? Will he overdose?' Ben hasn't been responding to me in forever. Naturally I assumed he just stopped talking to me, and it was hurtful, because at some point in the recent past we were best friends. But it turns out he just lost his phone, and when he got another he had to call me from memory. But so much time has passed since we talked that it was awkward. Maybe in the future our relationship will be as smooth as Derek and I's.

My brother is also a mess, a mess that has filtered off from my stepdad's own messiness. That I'll have to get into later, but needless to say it's stressing me out again. I feel good about my mom and sister though, they seem okay, and like they'll be stable for awhile. That helps keep the stress at bay. My mom still drives me crazy if we have to spend extended time together, college does us good.

I'm disgusted and want to vomit.

Nothing is going well with my tuition right now.
My financial aid for the first semester is going through Verification, it's like being audited at school.
There's nothing wrong with my application, I'm not ripping anyone off, so it should have been a quick process.
But NOOOO it's taken 3 months, repeated calls to the verification office, and one hefty bill for next semester that shows my fabulous $17,00 scholarship being the only thing deducted from the $35,000 tuition.
WTF! It also says I have until January 14th to pay. Cool. So you tools fucked around and haven't gotten my financial aid cleared, and now you're telling me to pay half the tuition?
Not only that, but when you're put through Verification, your account is also put on Hold. When you have a Hold, they don't process your registration for classes. So I'm not enrolled for any classes next semester...classes that begin Jan. 14th. Sweet.

After the last post I made, and after talking to Erik, I decided that it might be nice to put up some of the things from emails, messages, etc. that he has sent me so that I can share what he has to say about us too. For what limited amount of people read this: I want you to know.
____________________

Nov. 21st, 2007
"i can't believe how many times i thought of you in the last two hours, as if i have any right to be missing a person's 'company' when we've been talking as much as we have. not to mention the fact that we've now spent more time interested in each other while apart than while together."
____________________

Nov. 22nd, 2007
"Hey Demitra,
I was watching this movie and at some point I just got the urge to write somethin to ya, so i paused it, went for a short walk and now i'm back writing this. I was feeling happy about things I wanted to share with you a microcosm of the way i have felt differently towards you than others in the recent past..
Even though I previously had no habit whatsoever of doing this, I've started throwing out all my cigarette butts, and if there's no trashcan around i just stamp it out and put it in my pocket. I'd been doing this for a day or so and unwittingly made a collection! Here is a picture:
http://erik.unverdruss.net/files/happyButts.jpg
It makes me happy that something in me is perfectly willing to change this habit of mine if only to put a smile on your face. That kind of thing is important...and has definitely been a sentiment that i've missed ^_^"
____________________

Nov. 27th, 2007
"hi!
So im sitting in my philosophy class right now and, as usual, I’m distracted as hell with thoughts of hanging out with you. Its giving me a little pleasure to write this message because it satisfies my desire to communicate with you, however indirect it might be to write an email. Oh well, I know you’ll get it eventually and I’ll get some kind of response out of it, even if its only a thoughtful kiss."
...
"The other day I was talking to simon about how attractive I think freckles are…turns out he agrees and we were talking about it for a little bit! There is something about them that is just so enticing, and it doesn’t necessarily make sense.  Like, if a person only had a few freckles on their face, it would probably look more strange than anything else…but as soon as the number of freckles surpasses a certain surface-area density, then it becomes, in some way, a part of their complexion. It’s an incredibly endearing quality, something along the lines of the white dots on a baby dear! But I really don’t mean for it to be patronizing at all. It doesn’t make me think of you as being immature (physically or otherwise) at all. Also, that endearing quality which exists in personal interactions translates really effectively into extreme sexiness during sexual interactions. I was so excited to see the freckles on your legs, for instance. And today when you were wearing that blue dress thing in the bathroom, you bent over towards me at some point and I was just fondly staring at all the freckles on your shoulders. I actually think you have more freckles on your right shoulder than your left..."
...
"Okay… I’m going to try to focus on class again!
<3, erik"
____________________

Nov. 29th, 2007
"hiya!
Now im in health psych and im writing you another email! I really love having my laptop around because it makes it possible to write emails to you whenever im bored to shit with something else…(e.g. class). Then all I gotta do is find an internet connection, load it up and send it off as an email!
Yay!"
...
"I was thinking about all the ways that I have been feeling recently, and it has made me aware of how I feel things in general. I conceptualize my emotions as existing in something of a pie chart, whereby my various desires and wills are all sitting in the pie with different amounts of weight given to each. Some of the standard stuff that sits in the pie chart includes things like, desire to go to class, desire to hang out with friends, desire to eat….on certain party nights “desire to hook up” has been known to make an appearance… When I met you on that Saturday there started to be a tiny little portion that had your name on it called, “desire to be with Demitra.” On that Wednesday when we first really talked, it jumped up in size quite a bit and has since been growing and growing, bulldozing such futile things like “desire to sleep” and “desire to go to class."
I love the sensation of being for you...its fantabulous!
The reason I’m thinking of this is because I was listening to Reliant K as I walked to this class and it was making me feel really good. I discovered that what I really enjoy about it, apart from just saying that the music is fun for me to listen to, is that some of the songs are kinda cheesy and emotional…and they speak right to that Demitra part of the pie; make it squeeze a little bigger for the duration of the song."
...
"I like listening to the songs cuz they make me feel a little like a kid with his first girlfriend. It’s a pure kind of romance (as opposed to a more stale romance) that I hope to be able to have throughout my life, regardless of age.
Walking over here I saw some cigarette butts on the ground and remembered that we talked about maybe going out for a walk and picking up all the butts we pass by and puttin em in a plastic bag. I kind of think that would be fun, you should let me know if you want to do that some time. When I was a freshman I wanted to do that but for completely different reasons… I was so mad about smoking that I wanted to pick all the cigarette butts on my way to class just to show people how much cigarettes are littered! God…I can’t believe how much I hated smoking back then…and how much opinions can change just because of a few life experiences."
...
"Well, my class is ending and I’m wrapping up! I’ll see you later?
Erik"
____________________

Jan. 4th, 2008
"so im off to bed. im glad we got to talk...17 minutes! thats a bit longer than the original two that i had promised....
i cant believe that im actually at the doorstep of my oral interview and physical test. ive been thinking about them for months now as being something so far off that they werent even scheduled yet...and here i am, getting ready to do it.
i know that no matter how i do, i'll still be happy because i got you loving me. i'll give you a ringaling tomorrow after my interview, provided i dont see fit to get some shuteye if it isnt too late in the morning.
i love you girl!"

(taken from a letter I sent him)

...
I found out today that Heather broke up with Chris, again. She does this every time she's at home for a long time. And it doesn't help that her ex Nathan called her crying and asking to have her back. But Heather didn't drop Chris FOR Nathan this time, she just wants to be single. Erin, Anna, Chris, and I are going nuts over this. Heather is like a little girl who never knows what she wants. She has no ability to look into the future. The truth is that Nathan and her are holding on to a happiness that they had a long time ago, but won't be able to get back. And when we get back to school and Heather has to see Chris everywhere and never sees Nathan, she'll probably change her mind again. But Chris doesn't deserve this. He's done nothing but love her.

That reminds me of something I thought about, I think we talked about it, but it couldn't hurt to repeat. While Adam has been telling me how much he feels for me, I've been having some trouble. I want him to get his life together, and I know I could help him. At least I thought I could, but honestly being with someone who's such a wreck would be the worst thing for me. I have to figure out my life, and if I'm always down in a hole with someone like Adam, I'd be right back where I was last winter when I didn't want to live anymore. All these thoughts just make me love you more. You really are the best man for me, and I don't want anyone else. I don't have to support you through stupid things like drugs problems and irresponsibility. And just like I want to tell Heather, you have to consider who you actually have a future with. I like knowing that we have one. That you'll be able to make me happy for a long time.

I'm a little relieved about how your interview turned out. If you had passed (which I really thought you would), then you'd have the physical test to pass (which I really thought you would), and then what? They'd ask you to go to the academy. You'd probably want to do it sooner than you said. At least that's what I was afraid of. Essentially, the way I saw it going, you'd be in Portland permanently by next fall. And as much as I'd be okay with picking up and moving with someone I love, my family might have put their foot down and stopped me. I'm just afraid of you going off to Portland this soon, before my family trusts my decisions about you. But I did like the idea of you being an officer, especially if that's what you'd be happy doing. So I was hoping you'd pass, but I'm not disappointed that you didn't.

Babies? I love you a whole lot. So much. Thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

By now I'm sure you've heard about the tiger from the San Francisco Zoo that killed one person and attacked two others. If you haven't, here's the article that broke the story:
"Tiger Kills"
I hate this whole story, and I'm on the tiger's side. But not for the reasons you'd think.

1) Sensational journalism deserves no respect. Any report you read or hear on this story has language like "bloody rampage." This is meant to scare people. The news should report the truth, and the truth is that there's nothing to be scared of.

2) Tigers don't go on 'bloody rampages' anyway. When they hunt, with intent to kill and eat, they swiftly bite their prey on the throat. This obviously wasn't a starving  tiger out for a meal. We know this because it killed one person, moved on and attacked two others - it didn't actually eat anyone. Also, because we are not natural prey for them, tigers are afraid of people. When they feel threatened they will defend themselves. This tiger felt threatened. I mean think about it, are we supposed to be led to believe that it woke up Christmas morning and just decided to go on a psychotic killing spree?

3) Reporters use this tiger's history against it. They point out that it attacked a keeper one year ago, which is a subliminal way of suggesting that perhaps the tiger should have been taken out of the zoo or put down before anything worse happened. But really you have to look at the details again. One year ago, the tiger was being used in a public feeding. This year, it escaped at closing time, when the exits were crowded with people. The tiger was nervous, causing it to be defensive, unfortunately in a violent way. But all that small bit of history thrown in among unnecessary language does is cause people to hear 'violent.'

4) People who don't know these things will believe that and fear tigers. They'll shun zoos and the work done in them, and try to stop protection of tigers in the wild. The animals that are advocated for the most are the cute fluffy ones. What will happen when people think tigers are ferocious beasts?

5) How did the tiger get out? In this early article the zoo claims to not know how it escaped from a grotto surrounded by a 15ft.-wide moat and 20ft.-high wall, although they know it can't get out of the grotto's only door. They said, at that point, that it was possible an employee let the tiger out. In later stories however, they discovered that the wall was only about 12ft.-high, the moat had no water, and the tiger probably jumped. The problem is that the zoo is old, standards have changed since 1940 when it was built. Of course there's negligence there, the zoo had a responsibility to protect the public and the animals from each other and the zoo failed. But if people want zoo's that are up to standards then maybe they should take more interest in supporting the zoo, monetarily especially.

6) Misinformed people who love animals nonetheless, PETA members for example, will take this story the other direction as fuel for their misguided fires. They already wrongly assume zoo's are 'prisons,' ignoring how much zoos actually help animals. So when they hear a story like this, they use it to say that the zoo is a dangerous and unhappy place, and the tiger would never have attacked if it weren't for the conditions of the zoo. It's true that if the zoo had been up to standards, this may not have happened, but that doesn't mean zoos are bad in general. And honestly, as good as zoos are, some animals aren't cut out for the public setting. The zookeepers should have recognized that this tiger needed to be kept away from crowds, for it's own comfort.

7) The whole situation was handled badly, there was little crowd control. Witnesses called the police from their cell phones before the zoo had any chance of capturing the tiger. Four officers shot the tiger down with handguns. Afterwards, policemen carrying shotguns roamed the zoo, firefighters shined spotlights all over the park, and witnessed were taken outside, only as far as the opposite side of the gate. Not only that, but the following day the police and firefighters continued to search the zoo for more victims and loose tigers. Ridiculous! This wasn't some sort of tiger-terrorist attack. Settle the fuck down and quit scaring people.

8) Please tell me the point of this sentence, because I have no clue:
     "According to the zoo, more humans die each year in tiger attacks than in attacks by any other animal, although such incidents are still rare because tigers normally avoid people."
Damn right tigers normally avoid people. This tiger wasn't any different. Think about why it attacked.

I give kudos to the zoo for having the balls to reopen, and for not giving in to the fear tactics of the media and the police:
San Francisco Zoo News Release

This is a couple days late, but I wanted to give myself a birthday present:


Being home is starting to get to me. My mom is still a psycho, no matter how much I've attempted to learn about appeasing her. She's too far gone any more to reason with. Erik always talks about the importance of being a reasonable person, and I understand now why it is exactly that my mother drives me up the wall: she's completely and entirely irrational. God save me from becoming her.

I want to talk about how happy I am, but I also want to be accurate and level-headed. It's exactly what I was talking about before: wishing that the things I write represented more permanent thoughts. I suppose in this situation there's nothing wrong with having documentation of the incredible way I feel right now. Even though, god forbid, it may not be permanent.

The day we kissed was the 24th of November. We decided that's the day we started dating. Although right away he didn't want to tell people I was his girlfriend. We felt strongly for each other, but he wanted our relationship to be taken seriously by his friends. If he told everyone that all the sudden I was his girlfriend, then it was doubtful they would really believe we were right for each other. He made a good point, but I wanted to jump around shouting that we were together, if only because I like him so much.

Apparently, I'm what got him to feel love again.

"Guilt in my head
Hath been parted by grace
by the voice of an angel
Revealing her face
And her words they make sense and I do understand,
Falling in love isn’t part of a plan
Forces within me, mix reason with lust
But I try to accept it and not make it worse
Cause I know I might lose you by taking the chance
But love without pain isn’t really romance"